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Bruno Ranks BBUK18
Here we go! (allears) #22 - Lotan Carter, 16th place For the first few days, Lotan wasn't that bad, he was mostly there. But, as time went by, shit started going down. The cliques started forming, and none other than Lotan began rising as the leader of the kool kids aka the Rose Cottage Crew. He had pretty much half the house worshipping him, from his betas Tom and Kieran, to a mother's biggest disappointment Charlotte, to even FUCKING Gemma Collins, and of course, Ellie who was completely thirsty for him while he kept leading her on, all the while talking about his ex and how he might still have feelings for. Lotan was a massive misogynist (called women bitches several times), his ego was bigger than Leshawna's ass, and he was a full on asshole (he'd go around doing stuff and pretend it was "banter just jking teehee" but then would tear the shit out of anyone who'd dare to do the same). (sick) BUT THINGS WEREN'T LOST... after a task where Lotan, Kieran and Chanelle had to chose two out of three people to join the house, Lotan decided to chose none other than a girl by the name of Isabella. Little did he knew he had just dug his own grave, as, after doing nothing but mocking our poor tangerine queen for days, the alpha douche decided to strike the most assholish insults at her... and then our fearless heroine stroke back. She uttered the one single phrase of doom, and Lotan was sent into a tailspin, and the evil was defeated. I bet Lotan still hears the whispers of "role model to your son, though" everytime he goes to sleep. #21 - Kayleigh Morris, 18th place And speaking of bullies... Kayleigh was just bitter, annoying, unfun. She was only there for two weeks, but boy, two weeks of her going around screeching and calling people cunts. I still can't fathom HOW there were more people in the united kingdom who paid to save this creature over Imran Javeed. But, when Sukhvinder fired her from her role as deputy and replaced her with Imran? Iconic. And I was thoroughly happy when she left merely hours after the death of the Javeeds. She's a fucken hoe! #20 - Ellie Young, 9th place Oh, Elleh. Elleh came on as a naive nice gal :3 and I kinda liked her. She was fun, she was likeable, and I was kinda here for it. But things took a dark turn, and we soon saw Elleh becoming all over Lotan. She'd hang on him desperate for attention 24/7, all while getting no reciprocation. This all leads to That Night, where Lotan attempts to walk through the fire exist, and Elleh holds on to his feet and try to stop him, bawling, and then lashing at the Agboolas to go "hit me!!!!". (vomit) And then Lotan dies, and Ellie goes to act 2. During the task that saw British Heroine Isabelle's and rando irish's debut, there was one figure, a bro called Sam Chaloner, whom admited fancing Ellie, but did not get picked. Week 5, and we see previously unpicked housemates entering the house for a second chance, and one of these is none other than Sam, and for the next 3 weeks, all we have is Ellie and Sam making out, which... was boring as fuck. I did turn around on her during her last few days, after Sam is evicted, where we see a sweet friendship with Chanelle (that came out of nowhere but apparently was always there <3) and the fun Elleh she was supposed to be. Perhaps Elleh should be higher, as she definitely delivered and did have her moments... until I remember her shenanigans during The Fight and become completely okay with her placement. #19 - Kieran Lee, 6th place The thing is, unlike all the other bores, Kieran had a lot going on. He had relatively quite a lot of screentime. He had several storylines, what with his relationship with Rebecca; his past with Isabella where they hooked up before the show and he gave her an STD; being Lotan's beta; having a flirtmance with Deborah. And yet, this guy is a complete mystery to me. I don't know zilch about him, and he lasted all the way to the final week. Hell, I couldn't even remember his last name for these rankings. #18 - Sam Chaloner, 11th place I don't have much to talk about this man. Sam initially appeared during a task where the houseguests had to chose 2 out of 3 people to join the house. Sam admitted fancing Elleh, and therefore was the one rejected, probably because Lotan is a dick and didn't want him and Elleh to showmance. Cue weeks later, where Sam joins the house with the day 1 rejects as the Second Chance housemates, and predictably, hooks up with Elleh. That's all he does. I recall they showed a couple scenes where he seemed to be really dumb, which was lulz, but they all came on his last few days and I don't even remember exactly what it was, so yeah. #17 - Savannah O’Reilly, 15th place Another bore. Savannah was one of three choices to join the game during a task (with Isabella and Sam), and I was here for a sweet, smart, Irish girl, who's supposedly bffs with Justin Bieber. And then Savannah joined the house, joined the kool kids and got completely up their asses (being all "we gotta walk in packs" post-fight was cringey), and then did nothing whatsoever. Her only somewhat good moment was during fight night (pictured above). And of course, production rigging her out of the game to save Isabelle <333 (it's still a mystery to me as to why, out of all people, the british public decided to pile their votes on this random blonde lmfao). #16 - Joe Quaranta, 14th place Joe was boring for most of the time, but I'm not gonna lie, unlike the Kierans of the cast, I do think he delivered at times... rarely, but they were there... and it was almost always negatively, but whatever. For one, I thought it was funny this old man being a short tempered "thug", and that he'd exclaim "I don't give a fuck" 1000x per day while clearly giving a fuck and complaining about everything, though it did got annoying. But Joe was mostly a bitter dick antagonized the Thorn Cottage crew a lot, especially Raph. But, the one reason he's this high is his fight with Rebecca. Joe commented that he disliked Rebecca including his appearance (Joe was a bigot tbh), which caused Rebecca to freak out and ask him what he'd think if somebody said that about his daughter, which then caused Joe to freak out for her bringing his daughter into it, and it culminated into Rebecca screaming "I AM SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER!!!!", which was more of a Rebecca moment, but what an iconic fight. But yeah, Joe was a boring dick. #15 - Simone Reed, 13th place Simone is... a complicated character. After not being voted into the house on launch night, Simone joined with Sam, Andrew and Sue on week 5 as part of the Second Chance twist. For the first few days, Simone was a OTT2 weirdo, and I kinda luvd her. She then hid bottles on Kieran's bed as a prank, and denied till no end, which caused the entire house to turn on her (except Sue), and we had several unsettling outbursts and condescending laughter during confrontion. I've seen people saying she came to the house attempting, but failing HARD at being Chanelle, which I can completely see. Simone's bottle prank could never be Chanelle's eggs prank. I usually don't pull armchair psychology that RTV rankings usually have, but there was definitely something wrong with Simone, which might have been due to her troubled past that she revelead on her eviction interview, but I also think that was a card she pulled to justify her behavior after realizing people hated her. I mean, she was also kicked out of the wrap party for spitting on Andrew. Simone was crazy, and I can see the entertaining value she had, but it wasn't for me. She was cringeworthy, possibly an awful person, and annoyed me more than entertained. #14 - Andrew Cruickshanks, 5th place I kinda enjoyed Andrew when he first entered. He was friendly with Thorn Cottage. He uh... fancied Raph but they had a nice friendship, and they had a discussion about sexual fluidity which was nice. He then slowly started turning into a mess: his Raph crush became creepy and uncomfortable when Andrew started giving unwanted affectional actions towards Raph, he became a paranoid overreacting drama queen, he antagonized Hannah and Chanelle, he had screaming spats with people for seemingly no reason. Hell, he eventually turned into CHARLOTTE's beta. I'll just end his write up with this work of art: #13 - Charlotte Keys, 8th place I'm just realizing that, for such a great season, this cast kinda sucks lul. But, I do think even all these terrible people delivered... Which is not the case for Charlotte. Charlotte joined in with her mom, and I was there for Charlotte embarassement such as when she found out her mom and dad had a sex tape. Unfortunately, Mandy angel was unfairly slain by the hands of Tom, but I was there for self-proclaimed "dry humor" Charlotte to get her revenge by slaughtering Tom with sarcastic remarks... except Charlotte just got up the clique's ass and did nothing for weeks and weeks. Charlotte's only good moment was easily during the family visit, where Mandy returned to the house and told Charlotte she was a bore and pretty much a waste of space. lmfao <3 Of course, Charlotte decided the best way to be interesting was to start a completely forced rivalry with Chanelle, which lol. And then she got an F on popularity and was evicted over Isabelle... okay, maybe Charlotte had two good moments... but neither was necessarily because of her so... #12 - Arthur Fulford, 21st place Oh, well. Arthur came to the house with this fake troll persona, making pranks and jokes all around the house. Except that the housemates weren't exactly thrilled with all of that, so when they all ganged up and ostracised him, Arthur took it as a personal attack, and then he disappeared to never return. I wasn't a fan of Arthur, and had he stayed he'd get on my neves (when he argued with Kayleigh X_X), but he fucked off asap so I was ultimately not at all bothered by him. #11 - Rebecca Jane, 17th place GOD, Rebecca... I think she's my most ~~mixed feelings~~ contestant ever? I mean, not in the sense that she had both good and bad moments. Nope, Rebecca was AWFUL and incredibly irritating, not to mention MAYBE racist? (she had a couple fights with Sukhvinder/Hannah where... yikes) But I would be lying if I said she didn't entertain me. She would flip out and have a meltdown at the drop of a hat, to the point where some people would even mess with her just for her to freak out. There's the whole Kieran thing, where she was CLEARLY obsessed with him but kept denying, until when it was revelead that they had fucked like, hours before the show (btw, he works for her to be a fuckboy so she shoulda know better). I also have to mention her best moments, her fight with Joe that turns into her screaming "I AM SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER!!!11!!1!" to him. Iconic. Then there's the final week, during a task where Deborah and Kieran get married, and they bring back evicted contestants to attend, and Rebecca to stop the wedding. She ends up fightning with Chanelle, and is then dragged out of the house as Chanelle just ends her by revealing she fucked Lotan for attention and then asks Rebecca to meet her at the holiday inn. So yeah, Rebecca sucks, but she's such a mess that I can't help but appreciate for what she brought. #10 - Sue Evans, 12th place And now it's time for the one and only, Susan "Hurricane Sue" Evans. Sue is... I don't even know how to describe Sue. A smart, outspoken, middle aged BB superfan, Sue was promising. And then, after missing a slot during the launch, she ended up as a late entree for the Second Chance twist. And Sue was basically an internet RTV fan, going around giving her input and overanalyzing everything and everyone, to the point where she alienated and made everyone dislike her, like when she called people gameplayers and Tom was all "I am NOT a gameplayer SOO ZAN!!1!" while Sue rebuked with "You're in a GAME and you're PLAYING IT!!!1", and gosh I was here for it, but then it got kinda tiring, and Sue never really meshed well with the house other than Simone. Which brings me to, you see I'm not a huge Simone fan, so when Sue became her bff and would just enable all the shit she did, I didn't really like that. But then she went to transparently ass-kissing everyone after Simone left and she realized the public didn't like them and it had lulz potential, but then she left over Chanelle hours after and I was fine with it because, duh, Chanelle >>>>. Now let's mention the BEST thing about Soo Zan: during a shopping task where the housemates were getting tempted to have a chance to talk to a loved one, Sue insisted the would NOT be tempted. And then she takes the temptation and almost ruins the task to see her DOG (actually, a puppy)! And then talked about how bark is dog's language to an dumbfound mob of housemates. I would do the same, tbh. Sue & Queenie Evans 4 BBUKBvW! #9 - Tom Barber, 4th place What a 180° journey I had with Tom. So, during launch Tom won the People's Housemates against Sue/Andrew/Simone, and, of course, used his power to put all amazing people on the bottom and booted Mandy (who's still in these rankings, somehow <3), and then once his power was over, just enabled Lotan and Kieran in this shit three-way bromance (btw, Tom is obviously closeted, sry but everyone knows it), was just a shitty person like everyone in the clique, was awful to Hannah and Chanelle, etc. Yikes. Everytime I had to see these three guys being bros and like, showering together oh so funneh, my eyes started to bleed! - SGB618. But then, Lotan fucked off, and Tom instead attached to Kieran, who just existed, and became an occasionally lulz beta. He had several (and hilarious) drunk meltdowns. He had a hilarious fight with Hurricane Sue. His hatred for Hannah turned into a hilarious bickering frenemieship. Tom became a fun supporting character, and I was happy to see him becoming the final member of the clique standing. And of course, I have to mention his time on the Attic with Hannah, where she just going around reacting to the house stuff and bossying around while Tom just laid completely over it. <3 #8 - Mandy Longworth, 22nd place RIP legend. Ok, she was the first boot and was there for 5 days, but, she was a likeable, funny first boot with a lot of star power and potential (and much better than her daughter Charlotte, ugh why couldn't she be the first boot instead????). Like when it was revelead the had a sex tape, and she discussed it with the house, which completely embarassed her daughter. She also fucking hated Tom, and when she was unfairly evicted by his hands, she used her interview with Emma to tear him appart. <3 But yeah, honestly, the reason Mandy is this high is 100% her brief cameo for the family visit, where she comes in and basically tells Charlotte wtf she's doing and she's a bore. "I'm proud of you, whatever, but..." - Mandy Longworth, mom of the year! <3 #7 - Imran Javeed, 20th place So, it's launch night, and you have these two cute, nice, normal couple with a sweet love story. And not too much later, we find out they're both insane. I've seen on the internet the opinion that Imran was just Sukhvinder's boring shadow, but it couldn't be any more wrong. Remember, Imran was the one to inform us that the earth is flat, fighting Arthur for daring to mock the idea. I've also seen that Imran was the person who'd calm down Sukhvinder and not let her explode, but... she could also be the reason WHY she exploded, as she'd argue with someone, Imran would try to solve situation with the other person, and Sukhvinder would blow up at him to "DON'T COME FOR ME!!!!" while Imran would desperately go back to her saying "I WASN'T COMING FOR YOU I LOVE YOU SUKHI", completely terrified of the repercursions. But to be fair, he DID have the ability to calm down the nuclear bomb known as his wife, which is incredible, as well as being a incredibly supportive husband. Such as when Sukhvinder had a meltdown during her reign as mayor of the house, and Imran started lifting her up by comparing her to Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Unfortunately, Imran left week 2 because the british decided they'd rather keep Kayleigh and Charlotte over him, I mean, for fuck sake, THEY PAID MONEY TO SAVE KAYLEIGH MORRIS OVER IMRAN!!!! And as true love always prevails, Sukhvinder decides she won't stay in the house without Imran and leaves with him. #TheJaveeds4TARUK #6 - Raph Korine, 2nd place Let's go back to launch night, we're introduced to this conservative gay who prides himself on voting for Trump and plans on playing strategically and blah blah, pls go!!! But then... Raph turned out to be a anxious, likeable, chill guy, who formed a clique with the superior housemates, an unlikely but incredible friendship with Chanelle. In the first week or so, people riled up against him for being ~~fake~~, but that eventually stopped, but even as Raph started getting along with most housemates, he would always be there to support and fight for his allies. I felt for him during the fight, running around faster than Speedy Gonzales to make sure Chanelle or Hannah or Deborah wouldn't do anything to get ejected, like, he ran faster than the securities when Deborah ran upstairs to murder Ellie get away from the fight through the front door. I found Raph very relatable. #5 - Deborah Agboola, 3rd place Ugh, it pains me but to do that, but know that #5 on this BBUK18 rankings would be like, a really high placement on a possible ranking of every RTV contestants I've seen because this cast is good. So, Deborah was a true angel. She was the most levelheaded member of Thorn Cottage, and she was a total sweetheart. Her relationship with her sister was amazing, seeing her always having to take care of Hannah and calming her down during stressful moments. She had a beautiful journey of having to endure all of the stuff that comes with being on Big Brother, the drama and also missing her daughter etc without breaking down and remaining strong, and wanting to be a good representative. But let's remember that she DID breakdown once, when she ran up the stairs charging at the front door to walk, NOT at a obnoxious screaming Ellie bawling to the sisters to go hit her. #4 - Hannah Agboola, 7th place Oh, Hannah. While Hannah could be obnoxious at times (which, so did Chanelle tbh), I think she was hilarious. Hannah was loud, abrasive and sometimes way too serious, who would do annoying and petty thing towards the bad people of the house making them crazy, and she'd constantly fight these bad people and have to be calmed down by Deborah. I don't know how Hannah survived, especially because apparently, the UK is racist and black women rarely survive a single eviction, especially the outspoken ones. And she had a legendary ending to her journey in The Attic, where, after being fake-evicted at the beginning of the final week, Hannah was sent to The Attic with Tom and go to watch the house, where they'd then have to decide on the two nominations of the final eviction, and what we had was two episodes of Hannah going power hungry and bossying and dragging Tom around while reacting dramatically on the house dynamics. And also, when she ended Andrew: And let's not forget all the singing... LOVE PEACE AND HARMONY THAT'S ALL WE NEED #3 - Chanelle McCleary, 10th place How does even explain Chanelle? A lunatic, vulgar, loud, petty OTT Diva who goes around screaming "WAH!!!!" and talking about how her vagina looks like Homer Simpson, and doing stupid pranks that enrages everyone, and also a mastermind with carefully planned out schemes to unravel her enemies while skyrocketing her allies and especially herself into stardom. When she started breaking eggs as a prank in secrecy, which pissed off and dumbfounded the entire house as they tried to search for the true identity of the mysterious eggsmasher? When she ended Kayleigh Morris? When she came back to the wedding task and DESTROYED Rebecca Jane? Chanelle was just a legend, it's hard to explain her character, but one could argue that she made BBUK18, and can't disagree, I really can't. #2 - Isabelle Warburton, Winner A vapid, tanned-obsessed, party blonde girl is chosen by Lotan and Kieran to join the house on day 16.. yawn, just another Rose Cottage ena- wait, why is she calling out the douches on her first day in the house? Isabelle is the true story of not judging a book by its cover: the girl who I thought was all of those bad qualities I mentioned, turned out to be a normal, vulnerable, and extremelly sweet human being. As she didn't immediately bow down to Lotan, Isabelle became rose cottage's #1 enemy, which never startled our tangerine queen, but instead just made her revenge the most sweet, and she ultimately defeat the evil of Lotan Carter with 7 words, and causing the entire house to break down in rage and scream at each other, all while she walks away from the hurricane she caused smirking. (fan) The funny thing is that, after that, Isabelle chilled out a bit, made friends, had fun, showed what an ANGEL she was by giving her family visit to Mandy's daughter, and then she won for being a beautiful person inside and out. <3 <3 <3 #1 - Sukhvinder Javeed, 19th place BBUK18 launch. We get this nice brown couple of a muslim man and a sikh woman with an adorable love story, bound to be MORP angels... ...5 seconds into the house, a disgustedly woman is telling people that her name is SUKHVINDER, not whatever shortened nickname they made up for her. Sukhvinder was simply a force of nature, an emotional hurricare (Sue is shaking), who delivered every minute she was on screen, be it shouting at Imran to not "come for her!!!" because they're married, raging at Kayleigh for brushing her hair on the kitchen when she was eating (what a fuckin' ho Kayleigh is), fightning Chanelle for putting a bread bag on her face because she could have suffocated her... ugh. And of course, Mayor Sukhvinder. She literally becomes a mayor from an actual city. She tries to make BB a better place for all citzens, and freaks out as no one contributes to her hard work, and has to be convinced by Imran that Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela didn't give up. She also fires Kayleigh from her (appointed by BB) job as deputy and replacing her with Imran, which she probably wasn't even allowed to do, I think BB just allowed it. <3 Unfortunately, the Tale of Sukhvinder was cut too short, as she fled the second she realized the public voted to save KAYLEIGH MORRIS over Imran.